all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
