You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
