im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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