his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
