someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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