Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
