I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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