ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
