fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
