i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
