He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
