she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
