I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
