I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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