Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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