No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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