No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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