If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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