Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
