After last night, I could never be a politician.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
