My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
