And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
