I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
