Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
