I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
