You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize