I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
