I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
