I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
