she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize