I haven't been this sober since birth.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
