my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
