and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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