It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Couch. On fire.
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