listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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