he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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