Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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