There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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