you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I am available for nakedness
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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