Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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