It's like a parade of train wrecks.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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