you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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