If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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