so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize