I haven't been this sober since birth.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
