but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
