He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
