so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He felt like a one man threesome
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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