Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
