how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
