He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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