It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
