rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Randomize
