My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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