she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
