i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
